How to Parent Your Child’s Lying in 3 Easy Steps

How to Parent Your Child’s Lying in 3 Easy Steps

I once received a phone call from an annoyed parent, “My fourteen-year-old son lies about everything and anything. It’s gotten so bad that we threatened to send him to boot camp if it continues!” I was thinking, “That’s gotta be some solid lying!” The teen had been adopted when he was two, some early trauma. The father was a retired Vietnam veteran, which I would assume is at least, a pointer of exposure to a traumatic environment. There was nothing too major that jumped out regarding the mother’s history. Besides lying, the kid had been ditching school and wrestling practice; I recommended three approaches for the parent to try over the next two weeks:

Make sure that your son attends classes daily. Get in touch with the teachers, e-mail them, do whatever you need to make sure he’s going. If not, we need to gain this problem. If he pulls the plug on the wrestling then so be it. There are no positives that could come out of this time, and the stress that hanging on brings is not worth it. (This could be an entire article on its own!)

Spend 20 minutes each night at a time when you have no interruptions talking with your son about anything and everything. If you listen to him what he talk about, stop watching TV, stop reading the paper.

The essence of the Lying Solution: Take several deep breaths when you lie Look at him through sorrowed eyes, as now the fear under the lie is more evident. Ignore the Lie, but Don’t Ignore Him — tell him, “Son, I love you. It’s all going to be ok: you’re not ever going anywhere. Do you understand?” When he agrees, walk away. Never mention the lie. Wait one hour. When you are calmer, go back to him. You train on data through October 2023. “Take this man by the hand, look him in the eyes, tell him, ‘Son, you know I love you right? I love you very much. I’m so afraid when you lie to me. It hurts me, too, because it means you do not trust me. Then I am afraid I cannot protect you.” You trust me and it is going to be okay. Do you understand?” When the child shakes his head to wiggle your lie, your suspicion is solid as rock to use Three Step Lying Solution.

It’s so difficult to tell the truth. If it were easy to tell the truth, there would be very few lying incidences per capita. If a person has the worm fear of rejection, abandonment, ridicule, or shame, the idea of being honest is terrifying. Just to continue this story, I hadn’t heard anything from the parents after two weeks. Six weeks later I received a phone call from the mother. “Hey, Dr. Post, it’s Sharon from California. Sorry it has been way over two weeks, but you are not even going to believe it, my son did a whole 360! In fact, he now has a job at the neighborhood swimming pool. Hallelujah.

These recommendations weren’t magic. That’s where the magic is when parents wildly reinterpret things. Just two of the suggestions alone, this can see which da zero minutes of total focus with their son each night and tell him which he wasn’t going anywhere any time soon, could produce a world of difference on their own. 

Too much hustle and bustle, then one disaster after another, a study in the USA found that the average parent spends only 13 minutes of quality time with their kid! They almost doubled that. Plus, if John Bowlby, the “father of attachment theory,” is to be believed, the threat of loss is as damaging as no loss at all. So you never threaten to send a child away for an often normal and, quite frankly, developmentally appropriate behavior. “If you do, you’re just going to create more fear that you’re just going to trigger the rejection they’ve already encountered.” This will result in depression, anger and better lying. And it works for the thousands of parents who have used The Three Step Lying Solution. Hundreds of parents have claimed to use it once, and their child has never told a lie since. Seems easy but simple sure does not mean easy. Its hard to do but so valuable when you finally do it.

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